A sermon delivered by The Rev. Kathy Schmitz on December 9, 2007
At Pathways Church, A Unitarian Universalist Community in Southlake, Texas
If we agree in love, there is no disagreement that can do us any harm,
but if we do not, no other agreement can do us any good.
Hosea Ballou (April 30, 1771-June 7, 1852), Influential early Universalist minister.
Reading before the sermon: from The Abilene Paradox: The Management of Agreement by Jerry B. Harvey. It is the story of one family’s decision to take a trip to Abilene in spite of the fact that none of them really wanted to go.
Prayer: That Which Holds All from Instructions in Joy by Nancy Shaffer
Long, long ago, when our daughter Riky was a little girl, we went through a period of time when we had to help this strong-willed and often very earnest child learn what to do when she did not like something on her dinner plate. We had plenty of opportunities as she was, at that time, a rather picky eater.
Telling her to “Just eat it and smile” did not work. She would try things, sure. The problem was what came next – the need to make a comment when saying she liked it would be a lie and saying “Yuck” would be impolite. We finally settled on the expression, “It’s not my favorite.” A term that still occasionally gets used in our family with some success.
I faced the opposite dilemma when this same child, with a rather unique sense of style, would leap into the room to show me the outfit which on she had clearly spent considerable time and creatively. And I learned to say, “Well, I wouldn’t wear it, but I’m glad it makes you happy.”
Many people have faced the dilemma of holding an opinion that they are afraid will hurt, cause conflict, or otherwise separate them from others. I am willing to bet that there is at least someone in the room, who, on the occasion of their first visit to their in-laws, ooh’d and aah’d over one of the dishes served, to be polite, – and now finds that dish is served every time they visit.
It is hard to know what to do when we want to be polite, to get along, and this keeps us from expressing our true feelings. Sometimes there really is a difference of opinions. But, sometimes, as was the case with the family in our reading that took an undesired trip to Abilene, everyone actually agrees. It’s just that no one wants to risk stating the obvious.
While there are some people that love to fight, and seem to stir up conflict wherever they go, many of us tend to be a bit conflict avoidant. And it’s not just individuals who avoid conflict. Groups can also be conflict avoidant.
The first Unitarian Universalist congregation to which I belonged was a group that preferred to avoid conflict. Several years ago, I had the honor of returning to that congregation to speak at the installation service of their new minister. I was to give the charge to the congregation. I thought I was speaking directly to congregation gathered that day, but over time, I have realized that the message was appropriate to many congregations, and actually, with a bit of modification, could be appropriate to many other groups as well. I’d like to share some of those words. See if you can think a group you know to which the sentiment might apply.
After my opening words I said,
This congregation took me in, nurtured me, and, when the time was right, ordained me and sent me off. I take seriously the task before me. The task of reporting back on what I have learned. Most specifically, what have I learned about what a minister needs from a congregation.
It would be impossible for me to make a list of all the things your new minister needs or might need some day. But I have come up with three things that, practiced faithfully, will greatly improve the chances that the future needs of both this minister and this congregation can be met.
First, to be successful in her ministry Ellen needs to know your wants and needs, your hopes and fears, your joys and sorrows. She needs to know when you think she has done a good job with something. She needs to know when you think something could be improved. She needs to know when you are mad at her.
Here is the tricky part. While they teach many interesting classes at theology school, mind reading is not one of them.
So, how will she know all these things? You will need to tell her.
Will she always be able to meet your needs? No. Sometimes she will say: you are asking me to do something beyond my ability. Sometimes she will say: you are asking me to do something I don’t believe in.
But usually, usually I believe she will be able to meet your needs, or help you find another way to meet them.
I am pretty sure she will be very unlikely to meet needs you have not told her about.
If the first thing is that Ellen needs to know your needs, then the second is that you need to know Ellen’s. It is not my job to remind Ellen that she needs to make her own needs known. It is however, my job to remind you to ask. To keep track of this, listen in meetings and other conversations for expressions like this, “I wonder what Ellen …” It could be thinks, wants, needs. As Unitarian Universalists we value the experience of wonder, but let your wondering be about great religious issues and not about your minister. If you find yourself wondering about your minister… ask!
The theme here is of course, open, honest, and clear communication.
This is a key ingredient of the third and last thing I will suggest that your minister needs from you. Your minister needs for you to take seriously the task of being a beloved community.
In a non-creedal tradition, we are brought together by covenant. This means that how we choose to be together matters greatly.
In a tradition that does not require conformity of belief, we build our communities instead on a conviction that our differences can be our strength. Diversity is a great gift. It is also a great challenge.
In a congregation that celebrates diversity there will inevitability be conflict. And here is the single most important lesson that I bring back to you today. I have learned that the hard work of learning to manage conflict in creative ways is one of the most rewarding spiritual practices you will ever engage.
When we are afraid of conflict, then we instinctive repress diversity, and encourage conformity. But when we know that we are strong enough to work through conflicts, then we do not need to be afraid.
When we know that our love and respect for each other outweighs any difference that might come between us, then life’s inevitable conflicts become creative opportunities.
My wish for you, at this point in your life together, is for creative engagement both with your new minister and with each other – creative engagement in the continuing unfolding of this beloved community.
That, in part, is what I said to the congregation, in Chelmsford, MA, in March of 2003.
Today I would like to offer a modification of it for this group of people gathered here today.
It’s not just your pastor who needs to hear from you. It is all the other people in this room. They need to know how you feel and what you think.
Actually, I am finding that a lot of people are telling me what how they feel and what they think.
But, I’m not sure you are telling each other. The problem is that it isn’t all that helpful for me to know – because when I leave, that knowing will go with me.
As I pondered the many things I have heard, seen, and learned since arriving hear I wondered…
Do you hear what I hear?
Do you see what I see?
Do you know what I know?
You need to. You need to start talking to each other and listening to each other … or you are going to end up somewhere that none of you want to go.
Sure, there are some things you don’t all agree on.
But there are some things about which you are in rabid agreement—but you don’t know – because you are talking to me instead of each other.
Even some of the things that you might be in disagreement about really are not as dangerous as one would think given dearth of opinion sharing.
I recently had someone assume I was mad because we disagreed on something. It was perplexing to me. And then concerning… that my brief silence to collect my thoughts and clear my confusion was taken as anger.
Please, don’t assume I’m mad or upset or that there is a crisis just because we disagree.
It is OK to disagree.
If I could have you take one things away from today, it would be this, it is OK to disagree.
This concept is one that people have been challenged by for a very long time. Francis David was a key figure in the Unitarian Church of Transylvania in the 16th century. It was he who said, “We need not think alike to love alike.”
It is OK to disagree.
Perhaps the underlying question is this: Do you trust each other enough to have a good fight?
Do you know that your love and respect for each other, your commitment to relationship is deep enough, that you can have a good fight, and come out the other side… come out the other side not just having surviving the fight but perhaps even stronger.
Do you trust each other enough to have a good fight?
We can ask this question about any of our relationships… our marriages and broader families, our work places and community groups, our friends and our congregations.
When we are afraid of the real or imaginary consequences of speak our truths, then we become silent. And this is sad.
Perhaps one of the best known examples of the people refusing to speak an obvious truth is in the story of The Emperor’s New Clothes. Traveling con-artists convince the emperor that they have made him a suit of clothing out of a cloth so fine that it cannot be seen by fools. Since the cloth does not in reality exist, neither the emperor nor anyone else can see it. Yet, no one will say so for fear of appear a fool. It is only a child, unencumbered by our fears and apprehensions, that is willing to speak the truth… The emperor has no clothes.
This morning’s reading came from an article titled The Abilene Paradox: The Management of Agreement by Jerry B. Harvey.
The paradox is this. Too often a person does not speak up for fear that something bad will happen. They can clearly see the bad thing that will happen if they don’t speak. Still, the imagined bad consequence seems to be worse. The fact that there are real risks in the world fuels our imagination. But what really stills our tongues is that action, speaking up, would seem to put our relationships at risk. We fear we will be fired, ostracized, or considered a fool. We are afraid that if we speak up, we will experience separation, loneliness, or alienation when what we crave is connection, engagement, and relationship.
The paradox, is that our refusal to speak up, to be ourselves, to be known, creates the very isolation we are trying to avoid.
True connection, engagement, and relationship requires that we speak up, be ourselves, be known
A story:
Pete was a gay man in a loving relationship with Bill. While Pete was out to many of his friends and his church community, he was not out to his family. As a result, Pete and Bill spent many holidays, and other family times, alone. When asked why he did not come to his family he told the story of what had happened to a cousin who came out many years ago. It was not a happy story. The fact that it was 40 years later and times had changed did not matter. The fact that the primary players in the sad story were long since dead did not matter. Pete would not risk alienation from his family by coming out to them. And then, one day, after years of working up to it, Pete told us that he had come out to his family. Turns out they all knew. Had known for a long time. Were all supportive. Pete and his whole family didn’t just take a day trip to Abilene. They had been living there. When all along, they all knew that Pete was gay, and that they were all ok with that.
Because of a fear of alienation, Pete and his family had lived for years with unnecessary distance and separation. That is the paradox.
I am happy to report that Pete, and Bill, and Pete’s family, no longer celebrate separate holidays in Abilene. They celebrate together in their home town.
Our religious traditions encourage our faithful engagement with one another. From the Jewish tradition we take the Golden Rule “what is hateful to you, don’t do to your neighbor”. Versions of the Golden Rule can be found in many traditions. It has been said of Jewish scripture that it can be summed up in the Golden Rule and all the rest is commentary. Our faithful engagement is summed up in Christian traditions with the commandment to Love One Another. In Buddhist tradition, we are invited to be in right relationship with each other through the ethics teaching of the 8-fold path, that includes right livelihood, right conduct, and right speech. In the Pagan traditions, we are reminded that what we put out into the universe returns to us.
Many religious teachings are about being in right relationship. And so today, the question I would ask is this… in our quest for right relationship… Can we speak the truth in love?
This does require us to open ourselves up. And that, I admit, requires courage.
When we open ourselves up we take a risk. We expose who we really are and what is most dear to us. It is not surprising that many of us would rather hold back. We would rather put on our armor or at least our “public face” before we interact with others. While understandable, this practice is unfortunate, for it insulates us from making the connections we may desire.
We often think of having courage as being willing to do great things in the public sphere. However, courage can be much more personal. Courage can mean opening oneself up to the hurt and sadness that may result from allowing ourselves to be truly known. It is a hollow safety that leaves us permanently isolated. When we have the courage to risk real connection, we have so much to gain – love, acceptance, connection, joy, support, comfort and more.
And so, before we board the next bus to Abilene, I ask:
Can we be courageous?
Can we open ourselves to those around us?
Can we speak our truth in love?
I close with the words that will also serve as the closing words for the service. They are from Hosea Ballou, a prominent Universalist minister of the early 1800’s. He said:
"If we agree in love, there is no disagreement that can do us any harm,
but if we do not, no other agreement can do us any good."