Readings shared in the New Year’s Service
Written and presented by Mario Castillo
December 30, 2007
Pathways Church, A Unitarian Universalist Community in Southlake, Texas
The Role I Play
I often ask myself what role do I play now? He’s gone and he was my best friend, my soul mate, my support, and most important of all he was my hermano, also preferred to as brother. He was the one who was always beside me in any situation, whether it was good or bad. He was there when I fell, he was there when I was in trouble, he was there to protect me, and he was even there when I tried (certain things) for the first time. It’s not a positive thing that he was there to watch me … don’t get me wrong, but the fact that he was still there. All of a sudden I lose my most valuable possession just after thinking we were survivors and we overcome any obstacle thrown our direction. I ask myself this,” Where do I go from here and since I no longer have him what role do I play?” I am stuck on stupid and I keep saying to myself I can’t live without him. He was the one who continually kept my heart beating any time it began to stop working on its own. It was like he was a cat and he was sparing me part of his nine lives because I had none remaining. “What do I do?” I was certain death was soon to be for me because I had no role to play or I had nothing else to lose until my younger brother told me this, “Mario I’m glad you’re my brother and now that Robert is gone you’re the older brother!” It was at that point I realized what role I played. It was there right in front of me and I didn’t even see it. My brother, who is 5 years younger than me, pretty much licked with his tongue and stamped it on my forehead and slapped it on there real hard to make sure the message swam in my veins and wondered in my thoughts simultaneously so that I wouldn’t forget. Not that I would, but for reassurance. But I’m thinking to myself “I must be like him, I must pick up where he left off!” Well there was something blinking in my head and I realized there is no problem with that. Actually it was the best thought or idea I’ve had in years. I started to see progress in my thought processing and my brain started working like god intended it to. That thought was to pick up where he left off, but to clean up a little. In other words, follow similar footsteps but be sure to do right where he did wrong. Not that everything he did was wrong because he is mainly the reason I’m still alive today, but to take advantage over every opportunity I got and made sure I use that to my full advantage, as for him, he had opportunities but he didn’t see them and not that it was his fault because he had his hands full on taking care of us and I mean that’s a lot of work cause me alone is too much for a couple who had no idea that I was the worse material to handle. In a good way though, but only if you like having a full schedule. But anyways, back to looking at the main pictured being painted is that I am fixing my mistakes at 15 and he didn’t really start doing that until 2 or 3 years later, which doesn’t seem like much but very little time can mean so much and make such a big difference. Either way we both worked with what we had. And that was how it was going to go down from that point on. So he is no longer the oldest brother and there is still 5 younger rascals currently running on fuel and so back to my question at the very beginning, what role do I come in at? It’s the role that my older brother treasured and loved playing part of and that’s being the older brother…
Footsteps Leading My Own Path
I used to think that teenagers automatically shadowed the footsteps of their parents, but I’ve come to realization that every person has the option of choosing their own path and destiny. At the age of only 12 years, I began to do just that. I chose to make a decision that usually isn’t decided until later age. I had the option of getting as far as my biological mother had, which wasn’t very far or not as far as I would like to end up. She had nearly nothing to look forward to and her life was very unstable and constantly unbearable. To me it seemed like she was known as a “nobody” to the public community and was known to have an exceedingly bad reputation to accomplish any task or challenge thrown at her, because she couldn’t cope with anything that seemed somewhat difficult to her. She never saw any potential in her, and sadly to say neither, therefore, she didn’t have anything to start to build off of. However, there was a slight difference between her and me. While looking real hard and steady at myself in the mirror I instantly saw that potential in me. After doing so, I exhaled all the old thoughts, inhaled the new, and the new sounded a little like,” I am going to do better than her. God has given me goals to strive for along with overwhelming challenges that are envisioned to be overcome. Not only God, but I didn’t want to be known as only a gang member, who was only being good at violence, doing drugs, breaking laws, and overall just serving no purpose in life. I wanted to be remembered as an amazing survivor who several doubted me to live past a certain age because of the activities I began to get involved in. The one who had very little, but worked with the very little he had to produce that very little into very large. I wanted to be someone’s success story. I wanted to be able to stand right in front of those who doubted me, compare accomplishments and achievements, and the result being they were the underdogs and I was looking down at them. I wanted to prove that no matter how empty your glass is, it can always be filled and if that glass doesn’t fill, it’s no one else’s fault but your own. Because all your hard work and effort is every drop of water earned. I wanted to be an inspiration to others and have them come to me as their resource for help and advice and that life turns out the way you choose it to be. I wanted to choose the path that I thought was right for me and if I decide to choose a different path than the normal tradition, it doesn’t make me a bad person. It makes a better person. And so with a little determination and self-esteem, I did just that. I walked the footsteps to my own path…………